I'm so sorry for any one reading this blog for the extremely sporadic updates! I can't believe it's been over a month since I've been back on here.

Since I'm assuming anyone reading is of a fairly intelligent nature, I'm sure you can tell by the title of this post that inconsistency has been on my mind quite a lot recently. It's been prevalent in my life, in other people's actions, and consequently, in the church. Because I am of the firm belief that the church is made up of people, not merely a building. It's difficult because I want so much to be "that" person - the image in my head of who I should (ideally) be. The "Super Me" if you will. Super Me is patient and kind with other people, and knows what to say when someone is down. Super Me lives out what Jesus taught and manages to be genuine and true to herself, and she doesn't get tired of the agenda that her church preaches and is able to ignore the cliques there that always seem to slam the door in her face. There's just one problem.

Super Me is not real.

I get frustrated, and disillusioned, and disappoint myself, Jesus, and others.

I go for long periods where I don't pray. When, no matter how I try, I can't find the words. Periods in my life where I don't want to pray. Where I'm angry and confused at the God I'm refusing to talk to because I don't understand where His path is leading me. Times when it's hard to trust.

But I'm learning that it's okay to be confused and it's alright to question God. The Psalms are full of questions. Moses questions, David pled for answers, even Jesus questioned God's presence while He was on the cross. Maybe God likes questions?

Maybe God wants me to question things. I've been discovering that questioning God always ends with me questioning myself. What point am I missing? Where have I failed? What areas of my life are inconsistent with what I know to be true about Jesus?

The church has been under my scrutiny lately. Not that I really have any right to be scrutinizing. Or judging for that matter. But, as a part of a church community that has been recently been experiencing a steady migration of youth/college students from its midst, I have been wondering and trying to figure out what is going wrong. It goes back to the basics.

Love.

It's the foundation of Christianity and the point I believe is most often overlooked. If God is love, and Jesus is also God, and Christians follow Jesus, shouldn't Christians be doing the most loving, the most serving, the most giving? I think so. But Christians aren't necessarily know for love. We are known for the Crusades, for pressuring people about religion, for boycotting franchises that support "the agenda" etc etc. (In case you haven't heard this term before, it is one used quite frequently by people in my area to refer to homosexual or gay people.) Why are we judging and boycotting and stereotyping when we have absolutely no right!? Love changes people far more than vigorously sticking to a doctrine. Jesus lived a lifestyle, an example we are to follow. I think young people now are looking for something raw and real - something they can grab onto and follow. The doctrines of the church are not an example as much as they are a code of beliefs (Doctrines are wonderful when taken and used as originally intended. See the intro to a lovely book called Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell)

This isn't organized and is probably really hard to follow along with and I apologize. The inconsistency I see in my own life is difficult to crack down on and I am sure I have misrepresented Jesus to many people. I hate that the church has become a symbol of such negativity and vice in our culture when it was and is meant to be a representation of hope and restoration. I believe that if Christians lived their faith with the fervency of people of other religions, we could change so many things for good. I really admire the Muslims for their adherence and reverence to their religions documents and writings and the commitment that Jehovah's Witnesses have to sharing with other people, despite rejections that are sure to come along the way. I am praying for Christians to have that kind of dedications and sense of urgency as well as the joy that compels them to share with other people.

If you have the time or are interested, look up the lyrics to a song called Trademark by Relient K. It captures my frustration with myself and the crazy grace that God gives with an simplicity I'm afraid my tangled, rambling thoughts often miss :)

I miss my big sister. I don't know her.
I've never known her.
But there's this hole there in my heart, and I wonder what my life would be like if she was a part of it. I wonder how our family would be if she hadn't been given up for adoption, if she had sought us out on her eighteenth birthday like she could have.
i wonder if she's ever wanted a little sister as badly as I've wanted a big sister. Would we get along or fight. Would people say we look alike or talk the same way. I have a picture. Our eyes are similar. She has my mother's smile.
Somebody in my psychology class asked the other day if it's possible for people to love someone they've never met.

Yes, it is.

I bought a box of Kool-Aid popsicles from the student store today. When I opened them I was so disappointed to see that, out of 25 popsicles, there were only 3 purple ones. Those are my favorite. Is that a part of Murphy's Law, that the box you chose will always contain the least number of flavors that you like? I'm opening the box before I buy it next time!

Speaking of buying things. I really need to quit buying music; iTunes is killing my bank account. Those little suggestions they put up drive me nuts. You know what I'm talking about - the "if you like "Seattle Sessions", you might like "Conquering the Fear of Flight." Those people know how to market.

I'm skipping my Geology class right now. That's the one class I really need to go to right now. I have no clue how I've done on the two tests we've had so far. My grade will be an interesting surprise. I don't understand why university students need two years of a physical science unless they are majoring in a science-related field. I'm an art major! I couldn't care less about the pH of dirt. But they require it, so I enrolled. Future college students be warned. Geology is not an easy "Rocks for Jocks" course that people claim it is. Unless you get a super professor. ratemyprofessor.com is an invaluabel resource lol.

Well, I think this is enough poorly written randomness. I have a Drawing class and can't skip that one!