mynameiszo's Xanga

Inconsistency

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 03:22:36 GMT

I'm so sorry for any one reading this blog for the extremely sporadic updates! I can't believe it's been over a month since I've been back on here.

Since I'm assuming anyone reading is of a fairly intelligent nature, I'm sure you can tell by the title of this post that inconsistency has been on my mind quite a lot recently. It's been prevalent in my life, in other people's actions, and consequently, in the church. Because I am of the firm belief that the church is made up of people, not merely a building. It's difficult because I want so much to be "that" person - the image in my head of who I should (ideally) be. The "Super Me" if you will. Super Me is patient and kind with other people, and knows what to say when someone is down. Super Me lives out what Jesus taught and manages to be genuine and true to herself, and she doesn't get tired of the agenda that her church preaches and is able to ignore the cliques there that always seem to slam the door in her face. There's just one problem.

Super Me is not real.

I get frustrated, and disillusioned, and disappoint myself, Jesus, and others.

I go for long periods where I don't pray. When, no matter how I try, I can't find the words. Periods in my life where I don't want to pray. Where I'm angry and confused at the God I'm refusing to talk to because I don't understand where His path is leading me. Times when it's hard to trust.

But I'm learning that it's okay to be confused and it's alright to question God. The Psalms are full of questions. Moses questions, David pled for answers, even Jesus questioned God's presence while He was on the cross. Maybe God likes questions?

Maybe God wants me to question things. I've been discovering that questioning God always ends with me questioning myself. What point am I missing? Where have I failed? What areas of my life are inconsistent with what I know to be true about Jesus?

The church has been under my scrutiny lately. Not that I really have any right to be scrutinizing. Or judging for that matter. But, as a part of a church community that has been recently been experiencing a steady migration of youth/college students from its midst, I have been wondering and trying to figure out what is going wrong. It goes back to the basics.

Love.

It's the foundation of Christianity and the point I believe is most often overlooked. If God is love, and Jesus is also God, and Christians follow Jesus, shouldn't Christians be doing the most loving, the most serving, the most giving? I think so. But Christians aren't necessarily know for love. We are known for the Crusades, for pressuring people about religion, for boycotting franchises that support "the agenda" etc etc. (In case you haven't heard this term before, it is one used quite frequently by people in my area to refer to homosexual or gay people.) Why are we judging and boycotting and stereotyping when we have absolutely no right!? Love changes people far more than vigorously sticking to a doctrine. Jesus lived a lifestyle, an example we are to follow. I think young people now are looking for something raw and real - something they can grab onto and follow. The doctrines of the church are not an example as much as they are a code of beliefs (Doctrines are wonderful when taken and used as originally intended. See the intro to a lovely book called Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell)

This isn't organized and is probably really hard to follow along with and I apologize. The inconsistency I see in my own life is difficult to crack down on and I am sure I have misrepresented Jesus to many people. I hate that the church has become a symbol of such negativity and vice in our culture when it was and is meant to be a representation of hope and restoration. I believe that if Christians lived their faith with the fervency of people of other religions, we could change so many things for good. I really admire the Muslims for their adherence and reverence to their religions documents and writings and the commitment that Jehovah's Witnesses have to sharing with other people, despite rejections that are sure to come along the way. I am praying for Christians to have that kind of dedications and sense of urgency as well as the joy that compels them to share with other people.

If you have the time or are interested, look up the lyrics to a song called Trademark by Relient K. It captures my frustration with myself and the crazy grace that God gives with an simplicity I'm afraid my tangled, rambling thoughts often miss :)

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 11:15:39 GMT

Wow, i haven't updated in a really long time. But I have been writing, so I'l gradually be posting the crazy workings of my inner mind as I get them typed. :)

It's hard to miss all the hype about this year's election. People are waving signs, showing off bumper stickers, and jumping on bandwagons with more fervor than ever. Many are firmly decided in their choice of candidate, arguing and debating with others until they're out of breath. Some people are on the fence as to who they should support, a few folks are apathetic.
But I'm not really sure how I feel about either candidate. My voter registration reads Independent. But like 'Republican' and 'Democrat', it is really just a word; there are no blanket terms that wrap my views and beliefs into a nifty little package. I hate how we so often let words define us, rather than actions. Too often people merely associate themselves with a word, a genre, if you will. Rather than defining the term through actions, they let themselves be stuck into a little stereotype that has stemmed from other people's interpretation of the word, or belief rather than their own. If I was to say that I am a conservative independent in regards to my political views, slightly emergent concerning religion, entirely too old for my age, a dreamer, an artist, and a Pisces, you still would not have as clear a picture of who I am as you would if we had dinner together. I wish people would stop sticking bumper sticker labels on themselves and start living like they say they believe.

>side note: How cool would it be if Christians started living like Jesus, instead of following a set of religious 'codes' that stem from denominational differences?>return to post :)

I'm tired of words. And as far as the election goes, that's all the candidates seem to be offering. Neither man has a very honest and reliable track record. Something has got me feeling like no matter who gets elected or what they try to do, America is going to change dramatically. Already our society and standard of living is declining as homes are foreclosed and jobs are outsourced. The price of oil goes up and morale goes down. It scares me, knowing that my life may never return to my current definition of 'normal.' It feels like Revelations is being set in motion, and I don't think anyone is ready.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Fri, 18 Apr 2008 02:17:56 GMT

I miss my big sister. I don't know her.
I've never known her.
But there's this hole there in my heart, and I wonder what my life would be like if she was a part of it. I wonder how our family would be if she hadn't been given up for adoption, if she had sought us out on her eighteenth birthday like she could have.
i wonder if she's ever wanted a little sister as badly as I've wanted a big sister. Would we get along or fight. Would people say we look alike or talk the same way. I have a picture. Our eyes are similar. She has my mother's smile.
Somebody in my psychology class asked the other day if it's possible for people to love someone they've never met.

Yes, it is.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 03:29:49 GMT

I had been okay with the fact that I am staying at my current college next year(College A). Until I got an email from an admissions assistant at College B. The email addressed me by name, mentioned a couple things we had talked about when I visited and stated that she hoped I would be able to attend next year. It is so hard reading that email and knowing that here at College A, my academic advisor never knows my name, even though I've emailed her and met with her personally at least 4 times this semester. College A has never treated me like a person. I'm a number. I know almost no one on campus. It's like I'm the invisble student. A couple professors know my name but that's it.
So WHY can't I transfer to College B?
Money.
It's the root of all evil and of the most recent injustice in my life. I need at least $28,000 by September in order to attend. My family qualifies for welfare. Where the heck are we going to find that much money?! (Note: we qualify for welfare, we are no using it/accpeting it/whatever. And we never have, which I think, speaks volumes about my father. He's a super guy)
So I am praying, praying, praying, that God will work through me here at College A. Teach me to be okay and usable wherever He's placed me, and that I will quit trying to make my own plans rather than following His.
It would be nice if He made those plans a little clearer.

**"Only What You Make Of It" is going to be my theme song and my reminder for the upcoming fall. Great song, and oh so pertinent*

Popsicles and Other Unrelated Ramblings

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 15:23:38 GMT

I bought a box of Kool-Aid popsicles from the student store today. When I opened them I was so disappointed to see that, out of 25 popsicles, there were only 3 purple ones. Those are my favorite. Is that a part of Murphy's Law, that the box you chose will always contain the least number of flavors that you like? I'm opening the box before I buy it next time!

Speaking of buying things. I really need to quit buying music; iTunes is killing my bank account. Those little suggestions they put up drive me nuts. You know what I'm talking about - the "if you like "Seattle Sessions", you might like "Conquering the Fear of Flight." Those people know how to market.

I'm skipping my Geology class right now. That's the one class I really need to go to right now. I have no clue how I've done on the two tests we've had so far. My grade will be an interesting surprise. I don't understand why university students need two years of a physical science unless they are majoring in a science-related field. I'm an art major! I couldn't care less about the pH of dirt. But they require it, so I enrolled. Future college students be warned. Geology is not an easy "Rocks for Jocks" course that people claim it is. Unless you get a super professor. ratemyprofessor.com is an invaluabel resource lol.

Well, I think this is enough poorly written randomness. I have a Drawing class and can't skip that one!

An Ode to Spring & All Things Green.

Sun, 23 Mar 2008 20:23:58 GMT

The first official day of Spring was March 21st. However, because I live at a higher elevation in the mountains, Spring really arrives around April for us. It's coming soon!

SPRINGTIME. It's like being born. Everything coming to life changes the way people act, the way they smile and laugh. There's a change in the air; the way it smells, how the wind feels. Even the music people listen to is different. Lighter, somehow.
And the GREEN. I'm certain it's the most beautiful color in the world. The color of the grass and trees the first few weeks of spring, right after everything has bloomed is matchless. Try it sometime. I'm an artist and I can tell you that there is no pigment that comes close enough to that shade of green.
BIRDS. They can get annoying sometimes (crows) but i love waking up to birds instead of alarms. Try not smiling when that happens. It's almost impossible.
The SUN. Enough said. Even for people like me who burn easily, sitting out in the sun is wonderful, and worth the pink tinge that lasts for the next few days.

There's a feeling that spring brings that is unlike anything else. The only words I can think to describe it are freedom and hope. And even they don't quite hit on just what makes me love springtime.

God knew what he was doing when He created April in the mountains.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Sat, 24 Nov 2007 20:43:00 GMT

Death is such a hard concept. A girl I graduated with was in a car wreck last night - her whole family. Her brother died this morning. He was 20. The others are pretty hurt, but they're gonna make it. They were hit by a drunk mexican who was driving without a license and had cocaine in his system. His facebook is the saddest thing I've ever seen - everybody posting that they miss him, love him, and rest in peace. His status is still up - like he's going to come back. It's so hard to think that he was here one day and the very next - just gone. I know people go to heaven or hell but the idea of being "not here" is almost impossible for me to grasp. I trust God but sometimes I like solid proof, a lowdown on the afterlife book would be really nice. But seriously, this whole thing has just reminded me how truly fragile life is. There are so many things that can cause someone to just never 'wake up.' We are really frail beings. Humans think of themselves as strong and conquerors but when things we've made, like cars, can kill us so easily, how strong are we really?

RIP Drew

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Wed, 21 Nov 2007 04:23:23 GMT

I had a relapse today. I try so hard to be okay with my weight and everything but there's still a part of me that wants to be skinny and beautiful even if it means having an eating disorder. People say that Christians aren't supposed to have problems - that God makes everything ok but that's not true. I still restrict some of the things I eat or make myself throw up (though rarely) and I have gained a few more scars since college started. God doesn't make things like that go away - He gives people a reason to fight and get through it.

I mentioned the scars. It's weird how one came about. I wasn't upset or angry or even wanting to cut. But I thought it would be cool to have a scar shaped like something. A lightning bolt is easy to make. So...five minutes and to good decision making later I had a lightning bolt cut on my shoulder. I don't really regret it at all either. I was worried it would be too prominent - but its just subtle enough. I actually like it alot I am just worried I'll have to explain it to my parents or siblings at some point. Awkward.

It's late and I think I'm gonna crash now. I think I'll go running tomorrow morning - maybe volunteer to walk one of the dogs at the humane society while I'm at the Greenway. :)

wasting time...

Sun, 18 Nov 2007 16:28:18 GMT

It's Sunday and I'm sitting in my apartment doing pretty much nothing because I want to drive home or a couple hours or so but I'll get chewed out if I do. Not for visiting, but because Mom will ask if I went to chuch this morning and I will have to say no. I'm not sure why it's such a huge deal, but she's pretty adamant about it. I found a church I like but it's the same one my roomate goes to. That's not a bad thing except she and I are so different, sometimes I like a little time apart from her. All her friends go there too, so no matter where I sit, it's like I'm including myself in her 'circle.' I want to be able to come across as myself - not the 'tag-along roomie.' It's awkward going there by myself too because I don't know anyone there (other than her friends, who I mostly recognize by face only) and I'm a pretty shy person initially. I could go to my parents church - the one I used to go to. It's a really conservative southern baptist church and the formality and feel of it just makes me really uncomfortable.

I'm sure this is probably stupid in light of what church is intended to be - a place to worship God - but sometimes churches atmospheres make it hard for me to really picture god or focus on him. For example, in my parents church its hard for me to really view God as loving and personal when we're ll sitting there listening to how God hates gays and the preacher is appealing to people's concscience about how much money they should give and pulling the guilt card. I don't think God hates gays. I believe He loves them as much as He loves any one else. I think that homosexual people make "Christians" uncomfortable and they invent a God who shares their dislike as a way of dealing with their prejudice. Don't get me wrong - I don't condone homosexuality - I don't think it's God's plan - but I'm not going to treat gay people any different from everyone else. I have no reason, no biblical basis to hate them or anyone else for that matter.

Anyways, back to the church thing. I just don't really know what to do. I personally think that people can worship God without a church, but I would like to get to know other people around here. I've been in college for almost a full semester and still haven't made any friends. it just takes me longer to get to know and trust other people. I do have to go home today though, regardless of what Mom will say because I left a project for one of my classes there. I was working on it at home last week and it's due Tuesday :( If I scramble, I can get it done by then!

pretty happy person

Tue, 13 Nov 2007 19:41:07 GMT

If you read my first post and I came off as angry or melodramatic or anything like that, I am very sorry. I am actually quite a cheerful person. However, it is likely that this blog will absorb any pent up emotion. I am ok with that. It's therapeutic.
I am also a bit of a nerd, a dreamer, and have been accused of "living in a fantasy land" This is completely fine by me because I prefer that fantasy notion to the real world. In a fantasy land, people fight for noble causes, not sheerly because they can. Fantasies let people aspire to a little bit more than what the real world expects of them. And isn't that a good thing, being allowed to dream, and hope? I think it was Shakespeare who said, "We are the stuff dreams are made of."